San Diego is much different than Maryland or DC. Many more attractive men surround me. I see someone I “could like” at the beach, in the grocery store or walking around a nearby shopping center. Everyday, based on the regular places I go, there are numerous opportunities. When I lived on the east coast and saw someone I might like, l felt instant pressure. Here, I’m learning not to trouble myself so much.
In college, I had one crush my first semester. He ended up transferring. Then, after my year off, I studied in a program that drew more women. The last semester I almost liked someone younger, but not really, mostly because of the way his various features reminded me of another.
I met additional men through my work as a personal trainer. Although it seems like this type would fit well due to my own interest in fitness and nutrition, and I did develop two serious crushes over a period of four years, they were wrong. I don’t mean “wrong” in a judgmental kind of way, because I truly did put effort into getting to know each. One came roughly a year after the other. In between, there actually was someone I liked at school, only because he came at that time right before I got my first period.
Following my two serious crushes, I couldn’t desire another or be attracted and consumed myself, emotionally, back-and-forth. One night I decided to write down every guy I’d ever liked. I listed my crushes in one column, and all of the boys who’d historically liked me in another. Based on this chart, I circled the people who really stood out. I directly contacted one. It soon became obvious that he was just more of the same.
Then, something happened. Someone came into my life who was exactly like one of my two serious crushes. I got confused. I wanted him to be a better version of the same person, but facing him through me “God” indicated he wasn’t.
Now it is summer 2014. According to my age, surroundings and astrology, this was or is supposed to be my time, yet regardless of how much others are impressed by what I’ve accomplished, I’m only 50% of where I’d like to be distinct from a relationship. Four years ago I met with a shaman who told me I wasn’t going to date; there is only one person and I have one baby. But my location, today, doesn’t correlate with her reading of around Canada, where she said my husband, children and I escaped to in the last life from eastern Europe, but then I left my family and died on my mission to help “my people” who made it to the United States. (In the life before that I lived in Russia and fought tyranny, she explained.) Although a couple months after meeting with the shaman I did take a retreat in the Berkshires, Boulder (after Miami) is most likely my next trip. I’m also over liking men because they share my religion, even if others prefer it that way.