Growing up I came to think that crushes could replace each other. Get a fresh, new crush for all the grades in school, better yet multiple, because nobody is real and going to last. With good intentions, I remember one therapist telling me when I was hung up on a guy, something along the lines of, Not to worry–he isn’t the only one. But I wasn’t satisfied with my therapist’s answer and stayed stuck on “Bob” until devising a deeper explanation. Eventually, I decided Bob was a cousin in my previous life. At first I thought he’d been a close friend who left me behind. Then I changed my mind to boyfriend (but interestingly never husband), until finally landing at cousin. The reason I ended up at cousin is because the two of us seemed related–not directly–but it is clear that I liked Bob because of something left-over; my experience with him was painfully raw to the point of debilitating, which is not the same as life-giving long-term. The crush after Bob I initially told myself had been a brother or husband. However I later decided, No, he was a “bad” uncle. In fact, I had a dream with this person, “Mark,” and he acted as a greedy superior, but gave me important sustenance I needed for my family to survive, which probably explains my prior attachment to him in this life. Nevertheless, whatever happened then did not give Mark permission to try and control me! Before Bob and Mark came “Sam,” whom I originally pinpointed as having been my father. Sam, I more recently decided, was my rival fraternal twin brother. Why else did I see into “him” from the back without first receiving a forward introduction?
I have no human, familial brothers. However, my dad’s mom had lots of brothers. My dad’s dad had brothers too. I never met any of these brothers; they died before I was born. On the other side, Mom’s mom was pretty much neglected by her dad, a tidbit referred to in my book. Even though I didn’t know any of these great uncles, great-grandparents, etc. it isn’t surprising that I perceive them in various guys I’ve been drawn to. My purpose in writing is that not every crush is the same. No, not at all! Intense crushes require effort and investigation in order to understand emotionally. From that point, the right bond will be made (which isn’t necessarily lover), or the bond tapers off and gets less stuck. Other crushes, of course, are unimportant bullies. Still yet, I’ve become curious about someone because it appeared his family already had a relationship to mine on some level, such as through a deceased grandparent. Then again, there are also new folks who come along and bring with them a purely mystical reason for wanting without logical explanation beyond. I honestly believe that once history is worked through, the kind of person desired becomes obvious, whether it is a previous crush, new ability to make room, some flexible combination or at the very least taking in what is already there, which could be a whole lot.